voice is numb.

“Time Escapes Us” Chapter. 2

Trembling, you took the remote of the counter top and switched on the small t.v. sitting on the granite table to BBC. You didn’t want to hear the news. You just wanted it to be okay. “Everything is okay,” you told yourself. 

“Harry’s okay…”

Your breathing was heavy. Your eyes stinging with tears. You pushed back the bad thoughts and hopelessly held onto the good ones. Your fingers were shaking as you pushed the buttons on the remote. “He’s okay…” you told yourself. You don’t know if you even believed your own words. 

The station news reporter made your heart race as you heard him say “Flight 192 has crashed off the coast of the Mediterranean on their way to spain. More on tonights news when we come back..” 

You took a few deep breaths recollecting yourself. The tears were getting harder to hold in. You needed Harry. You couldn’t imagine anything bad happening to him. He was too much a part of you. 

The reporters voice broke your thought concentration with the news you didn’t want to hear. 

“Flight 192 of JetBlue airlines ran into a gas problem mid flight and unfortunately couldn’t maintain the problem in the air. The plane crashed into the city of Almeria this afternoon after a one o’clock departure.” 

“Harry.. Please be okay” 

“Rescue vehicles were on the ground immediately after the crash. Despite the crews best efforts… There were no survivors”

Your breathing stopped. You didn’t know how to react. You were frozen. A state of shock. The tears came. Almost all at once. You dropped to your knees with your head held in your hands. Sobbing. “No survivors,” you played back in your head. Your husband was dead. Gone. 

You laid there weeping, till you couldn’t breathe. After hours on end of crying You lifelessly stared into the distance.. He’s really gone. 

~~~~~~

You haven’t gotten any sleep since the news. How do you sleep after something like this.  Every night and day you’ve been crying. Every hour of everyday is filled with tears and memories and regrets. Everything you wish you could have done, everything you wish you didn’t. 

You told yourself that you wouldn’t cry tonight. Harry would never want to see you this upset. You didn’t keep that promise. You felt horrible. You looked horrible. You were horrible you thought. You put his death on your shoulders. Somehow it was your fault. If only he went on the other plane. If only you made him take a private plane, this would have never happened. 

Everything in your body has become numb. You haven’t gone out of your flat since the crash. Nothing mattered anymore. Harry was gone, leaving you scarred and empty. You got the call of a funeral being planned in only a few days. You knew the boys would be there. You knew how they’d feel about this. You weren’t prepared to pick yourself up and try your best to look nice for your dead husband and his best friends who hate you. You weren’t ready for this. never in a million years could you have been ready. 

~~~~~~

The air was humid. The fog and slight mist hung over the graves almost cinematically.  The atmosphere felt dark. Your little black dress was met by your goose bumps as you walked across the wet grass in your black heels, red roses in hand. On the first date he kindly bought you red roses. You thought he would like those. you stood on one side of the wooden coffin surrounded by a crowd of darkly dressed teary eyed friends and relatives. You cried yourself dry. There was no more tears to be shed, as much as you wanted to you couldn’t. The boys were on the far end of the crowd in black suites and dress shoes. Niall was pressed against Liam’s chest as Liam wiped the tears off his cheeks. Louis has one hand on Niall’s back and the other in his pocket, cheeks streaming with tears. You noticed Zayn glaring at you from through the misty air. You felt the hurt in his eyes. You couldn’t stay here for long. This environment is exactly the opposite of what you needed right now. You passed Anne as you left. The look on her face broke your heart. You couldn’t take the thought of Harry anymore. It was killing you.  You drove through the rain now pouring thinking of how things could be any worse. 

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